Avoiding the Rollercoaster of Infertility Treatments

John, my husband, and I do not have children.  We have felt no lack in our lives because of this despite our original desire for a big family.  Prior to marrying, we did things right and discussed all issues, including our desire for and the amount of children we wanted.  As having been raised as an only child, I would have been satisfied with a beautiful little girl who would have my rich chocolate brown hair and John's mother's blue eyes.  (I'm a sucker for blue eyes).  I would have only wished to continue to have more had I borne boys initially.  However, John is a devoted Catholic from a large family of seven children and expressed, what I thought at the time, a yearning for a large family.  So we agreed to have four lovely children.  (I hoped all would be girls as I am a girly-girl despite my deep love for my nephew).  We even went so far as to take pre-marital classes on the rhythm method offered by our Catholic church as John wished for me to cease using birth control after our wedding.  I easily agreed as my periods are very regular and the discipline of that method would have been easy to maintain.

We received bad news shortly after our honeymoon when John was diagnosed with a urinary infection.  After his infection cleared, John did the very smart step in assessing his fertility.  I married an older man who was 43 and he had witnessed the many heartaches of his friends who had gone through infertility and he wanted to be pro-active about his chances for conceiving.  He was also concerned that, despite having been intimate with over 40 women in his lifetime, none had turned pregnant.  I also sensed that something was not quite right as there were some irregularities in the color and amount of his semen after lovemaking.  (My apologies for the TMI but, with this topic, forthrightness can only be helpful).  John underwent a routine sperm count test and he was elated when the doctor told him that his sperm count was at 10 million.  He thought that was a heck of a lot of sperm and was excited - until the doctor advised him that 10 million was an extremely low count and that 100 million was the norm expected for pregnancy.  His urologist, although not an infertility specialist but a knowledgeable man nonetheless, bluntly told him that his chances of conceiving naturally were low but he could not completely rule it out.   John underwent additional testing for his comfort level and received the further bad news that, not only were his sperm low in number but they were quite lazy as well.  And I thought I had a poor work ethic.  So we were facing a low number of sperm, with low motility and poor swimmers, to boot.  

As far as my fertility, I assume that I am fine as I have never experienced female problems and my periods are regular.  However, as I have never been tested, I could very well have issues as well. This is of no matter because infertility is not one spouse's "problem" but a "problem" which both spouses share.  John's infertility is mine as well.  After all, in our marriage vows, we were deemed to be one flesh by our priest.  There is no separation of "his issues" and mine.  I am just as infertile as he is, especially since I am along in this wonderful trip of marital bliss with him and share this one right along with him.  

I want to make it clear that, not at any moment, did I view my husband as being any less of a man because he could not bear children.  The ability to conceive and give birth is not a mark of manhood or womanhood.  Any deadbeat dad can climax in a woman and bear fruit and any fool of a woman can bear child after child which she cannot afford.  It is personal character and conviction which determines manhood and the mark of a woman and John has plenty of both.  Also being a good provider, loyalty and fidelity are also marks of being a real man.  Any fool can be a father but only a man can raise a child to be an empathetic, productive member of society.

Fortunately, we discovered our infertility early into our marriage and were able to deal with that early on without having to endure undue distress over the matter years along the line.  We both agreed to not seek extraordinary methods to conceive.  We decided to use our discretionary income instead to see the world which had been even a stronger dream of mine than having children and we have been fortunate to have accomplished this dream.  

John likes children well enough but was happy enough with the fulfillment of his career, our constant exotic travels, and content with our little family of two.  He also involves himself in children's charitable events.  I adore children and am a real pro at their care thanks to my mom having owned a day care during my teen years.  I cannot resist children and animals; they are my favorite things and I am fortunate to have a very trusting demeanor which encourages parents to happily share their critters and children with me.  I have plenty of children in my life, including my niece with whom I was close from her birth and is now in medical school and my little nephew.  I grew to love my former best friend's daughter as if she was my own and I hope to one day reconcile with her to see my baby again.  My other friends also have lovely children now entering their teens who I enjoy very much.  I have no lack of children in my life and feel blessed that my family and friends have shared them with me.  

However, having written this, I have never had a special calling to bear children of my own or to adopt.  I must have had a crystal ball when I seven years old.  From that age, I knew I'd marry a slight lawyer with glasses and not have children and it came to pass.  Thus, I had plenty of time to get used to the idea of not having children of my own.  This is likely why my dream was to see as much of the world as I could and to focus on marrying a man who had the qualities I considered that to be of a good husband and who was financially stable.  A good marriage is more important than the children such a marriage produces.

As the years have passed, our commitment to not seek medical help for our infertility has solidified.  I have done research on the matter and joined a website dedicated to those who suffer from infertility.  I also have known a good number of friends with this issue. One friend spent over $100,000 pursuing infertility treatments until her husband put a stop to it due to the strain on their marriage. That couple must have indeed experienced that proverbial roller coaster of a baby ride.  Rarely has news been good and many a marriage has been strained. Many of those couples who were successful in bearing children from my perusal of that website ended up divorcing due to the strain of years of infertility treatments or a good number of the children turned out to have developmental issues.  

I cannot know if this was due to the late age of the couples seeking treatment.  My non-professional suspicion is that this could have been caused by tinkering with reproductive systems that were not up to par in the first place.  However, there were also children who were born of couples who had no disabilities so who is to say but I would be hesitant personally to pursue treatment knowing that John's reproductive plumbing was not at full speed.  Common sense tells me that the likelihood of developmental disabilities could be higher as a result especially at his age.  Sometimes it is not good to mess with mother nature and I am glad we allowed nature to take its course.  Nature chose to not bless us with a child and I think this worked out for the best.  Granted, at 46 and not yet menopausal, God may still issue me with a little surprise but it is not likely nor do I wish for a child at this age. In our 15 years of marriage, not once have either John or I questioned our desire to not pursue infertility treatments or to adopt.  My husband is family enough for me and he fills my heart completely and he feels the same way.   I firmly believe that both God and nature know best.   John and I will edge into the sunset of our days happily as a duo but surrounded by the love of the grown children of my family and close friends.